How to make your house look clean in 5 minutes

I get this at least once a fortnight. A friend or family member will text or call nonchalantly and say:

“Oh hey, are you in? I’m gonna pop over for a quick bevvie.”

At this point, I will still be in my PJs, lion mane hair surrounding my make-up-less face and a few cheerios stuck to my clothes. And my house looks as good as  I do.

Firstly, I’ll instantly get on the defensive. How dare these people think I will be ready  and waiting like Bree from Desperate Housewives at 2pm on a Saturday. Don they not realise I’m a slob?

But then it dawns on me, the guests who will be arriving aren’t the friends who accept me as myself a slob. These guests are the ones that give me gardening tips when my garden is a mash of stingy things and things that may or may not be weeds.

gardengarden jungle


These are the friends who got up at 9am on a Saturday, went for a 20 mile bike ride and studied for their masters before texting me.

The expect me to be like them, winning at life and capable of having a shower and combing my hair on a Saturday.


expectation how to be a good housewife


reality 2

Do you like my remote control fishing stick BTW? I created it out of a bamboo stick and lots of hair bands. Time well spent.


5 Tips: How To Quickly Make Your House Look Cleaner Than It Is

So if you are ever in this dire situation, I’ve come up with my ultimate Bear Gryll’s style survival guide to making your house appear as though it’s clean when it’s really, really not for your unwanted surprise guests

5:00 min. After a tiny freakout, open ALL of the windows.

You have time for a small freakout, be not alarmed dear reader. I usually schedule in 20 seconds of blind panic when I look around and can’t see any floor for used pizza boxes. Then I’ll go into the bathroom and look at my own reflection and have another ten seconds of sheer hysteria.

freak out mirror

freak out 2

freak out 3

NB: There’s no time to set anything on fire so please refrain from doing so.

After the reality of the situation has hit home, open the windows. This will reduce the ‘you’ smell in the house to a minimum. Do this literally whatever the weather. Even if it’s snowing.

3.48 min. All of the crap you’ve accumulated? Put it in the crap drawer.

Have an empty cupboard or desk drawer? Put everything in there that may be considered messy or you use in general day-to-day life.

drawer of crap



2.34 min. Spray Febreeze everywhere. I mean everywhere.

febreeze everything

Finally, there’s no time to shower. Wet wipes are go.

freak out 11check it

Lookin’ good my friends, thumbs up to you. Let me know if you hit the 5 min barrier.

Enjoy your extremely unwanted guests.


HH xo


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3 Comments Add yours

  1. Karen DV says:

    Oh God, this made me laugh so hard! You have no idea how many times this has happened! I’ve learned to do my makeup at the speed of light because of it!

  2. draliman says:

    Last time my parents came round I threw all the crap in the bedroom – forgetting that my mum specifically wanted to see my new bed. Things went badly for me.

  3. Oh my God, this is such a familiar situation! I’m glad I’m not alone:D

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