Half Marathon training – why it’s the worst thing ever

 

I am training for a half marathon.

 

This will shock all people who know me as I am:

 

1. Lazy
2. Shit at running
3. Asthmatic
4. Have only just learnt how to spell no. 3 through iPhone auto correct. Technology sure is something, isn’t it?

 

I decided to train for this event like a sensible person. However I have found that instead of finding it an enjoyable and rewarding experience, instead I fully HATE AND DETEST 98% of all running I do.

 

And today I had two prime examples of why I dislike running so much.

 

Example #1:

 

To begin with, I’m running well and feeling like I look, not to brag but… just wonderful. This is usually at the very start of my run and I amuse myself by imagining all the cars whizzing past are thinking how professional and awesome I look.

But then, suddenly, out of nowhere, I get this deep, intense BURNING sensation in my CHEST.

 

 

And for a moment I think:

 

‘This is it. I’m going to die right here right now in this stupid fluorescent yellow top and restrictive leggings.’

 

So after I have hobbled/ ‘jogged’ past all other pedestrians on the road (just to keep up appearances) I duck into a driveway and grasp at my poor, defeated chest.

 

( And before you giggle, ‘grasp my chest’, you dirty minded people, has got nothing to do with me fondling my honky honks, it is merely a physical representation of how much pain is going on in the chest region.)

 

But nay, it is not a heart attack…this is not the end for me.

 

It is …stitch.

 

Stitch. Stitch is not the word for such torture. I suggest we rename it ‘stab’ or ‘surgery whilst awake’.

 

Example #2:

 

This example is not quite about running, but other people vs running.

 

Once I have limped back to my home, my sanctuary, my abode, I fall into the sofa and pine a drink from whomever is near.

 

But instead of a pat on the shoulder and an ice cold beverage, I get horrendous abuse from the know-it-alls I live with.

 

‘Stitch? Ah that’s because you… *insert completely scientific reason for my stitch that person has just made up*’

 

‘Aching? That’s because you….*did not do some sort of exercise that they have NEVER EVER done*’

 

Eurgh.

 

Nose hurting is it? That’s because, with all the strength I can muster, I’ve just bopped you in it with my feebly weebly arm.

 

I can’t wait till this is over and I can get back to my normal, lazy existence.

 back to my normal, lazy existence.

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