I am sitting in bed and it’s 32c outside.
I’m not ill, I am blessed with a pair of legs and I haven’t even been working that hard (or at all, for that matter). I’m just having what I call a:
‘FAT LAZY SHIT DAY’
A FAT LAZY SHIT DAY is a day in which one has the ability to eat like a horse and do nothing but watch re-runs of terrible TV. It is necessary to have one of these days roughly once a fortnight.
Rules of FAT LAZY SHIT DAY:
Rule 1: No one else should be present.
The thing about FAT LAZY SHIT DAY is that one can embrace all of the following: eating rubbish and feeling disgusting, smelling of bed, having shocking hair and occasionally even parping. In most social situations this is usually unacceptable, therefore the removal of other people is necessary for the up most enjoyment of said day.
Rule 2: One must attempt to move as little as possible for the entire duration of FAT LAZY SHIT DAY.
The day is not lazy if you are doing squat thrusts after each man-sized Mars bar. Only small movements to the mouth are required. I do suggest a small amount of effort to place pillows in the correct fashion around your body, but once this is in place and the ‘FAT SHIT’ is distributed around the pillows, no further movement should be necessary.
Exception to Rule 2:*
Sadly, when eating FAT SHIT and drinking even FATTER SHIT, one’s body occasionally ruins FAT SHIT DAY by wanting to expel food in the forms of poo and wee wees.
This causes trauma to the individual involved in said day:
Suggestions: be as close to the bathroom as possible; find a friend who is in the medical profession to fit you a catheter.
Rule 3: Stock up heavily prior to the occasion.
Adhere to your social calendar and work out when you have the capacity for a FAT LAZY SHIT DAY.
Once this has been done, make sure you are ready for the day by filling up your stocks of fizzy drinks, popcorn, chocolate, cheese, those weird sausages that are so full of pigs ears and arseholes that they look like anaemic fingers…
Thank you for reading. I hope you all have the knowledge for a positive experience on your next day of fat laziness.
Please enjoy FAT LAZY SHIT DAY responsibly.