How to do the splits and Australian’s riding sharks

So whilst I’m in the land of the beautiful (Australia) I have decided that I should no longer hold back my potential and have what is called a ‘TALENT.’

You see at the moment, when I look at a guitar the strings just break, I sing like a hyena and dance like Prince Charles seducing Camilla after too many whisky and pineapples.


I have so often wondered what it would be like to be one of those talented people; picking up numerous instruments and being able to ‘just jam a bit of Beethoven,’ paint like Picasso or sing like Birdie.

Being in Australia does not help my lack of any talent either.      

You see Australian people have a tendency to do things like this: 
Vs me: 
Vs Me: 
Vs me: 

So as you can imagine, having no skills or talents comes as a minor set back. 
It started on New Years Eve.

I was drunk, yup, and had just seen an annoyingly fit person with no cellulite ANYWHERE do another perfect ‘worm’.
This was the breaking point. I put my foot down, feeling my pale leg wiggle wobble as I did it and said:
‘I’m gonna (hic) learn how to do the splits.’ 

So after the hangover left me a few days later, I got straight on to YouTube.  
I was wearing my best, roomiest pjs and locked the door to my room -just incase I didn’t look as elegant as I anticipated. 
 I did a few stretches that I learnt in yr. 8 P.E and simultaneously googled ‘splits for beginners’ – bendy and multi tasking. Easy. 
I click on one which looks utterly perfect – ‘super easy splits for beginners 🙂 ‘ – the girl, ‘PrincessBallerina1**<3' must be about 12, crazy talkative; American.

It starts off with her chilling on the floor, her legs crossed. I follow suit, hearing my knees crack only a little. 

Then this child shows the first ‘beginner’ move. 
Holy shit.

She is no longer cute or a child. She is a groin ruiner-er. She may as well have just come out of YouTube and kicked me in the hoo-ha repeatedly. 
After the six minute video I am currently one inch more bendy than I was and in roughly a million times more pain than when I woke up. 
And I walk all funny. 
But I will not be defeated by a child and her Barbie like groin. 
In three months I aim to be as bendy as a a Chinese gymnast who can eat coco pops from a bowl on her arse. 
Ill keep you informed…. 

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