I have a cat. She is politely named Sophie.
And she is out to get me.
Don’t get it twisted, she’s not violent, and on the outside she looks utterly harmless. Her claws remain firmly in her tiny padded feet and her teeth are only showcased when she yawns, but I can honestly say she is evil.
Why? You ask. Here’s why.
Example #1: The Stare-Glare.
So here’s the scenario. I walk in to my room and clock Sophie.
She’ll be on the radiator just maxing and relaxing and I will look at her joyfully. An ‘awwww’ may even slip out of my mouth.
But there’s no denying it…there is a dark prickly sensation creeping up my back as if someone is watching me….
I flip around as fast as my Argos chair can go, simultaneously thinking of a list of things I can use to attack potential intruder:
2) my hair brush;
3) a teaspoon out of my yoghurt pot, definitely left there for a good few days.
However, there is no one there. Just Sophie.
I chortle to myself and casually glide back round to face the screen, sure in my mind that my darling cat is happily sleeping behind me.
But still, I swear I can feel….
I stop. This is ridiculous.
I turn slowly round on my swivel chair, breathing hard, like I’m expecting a man with a chain-saw to be sweating behind me…
And still, there’s just Sophie. But she’s not asleep.
I lock onto her pensive, creepy ass glare and she just stares. Stares. With those slitty little cat eyes. Directly into my soul.
Then I turn the hair dryer on and she shits herself and runs out the room.
Hannah- 1 – Sophie – 0.
Example #2: The Murderer.
I was home alone the other night, minding my own business, watching some programme about penguins and how awesome they are, when Sophie comes in.
But she is not alone.
She walks right up to me, a poor bird in her mouth, gasping at his last breaths, and lays it next to my NAKED feet.
And I SWEAR, I swear she then looked at me and we had AT LEAST six seconds of intense eye contact.
Hannah – 1 – Sophie – 1.
This is all a power game.
I’m watching you Sophie, don’t you worry. I’m watching YOU.